How Would You Describe Your Journey?

"How would you describe your journey to someone who is hurting and just came to see me for the first time?", is what I asked him. After working with him for years, his growth was so obvious to me, but such is the way of things that advance glacially, he himself hadn't really perceived it all. He knew he felt good, and wasn't hurting anymore but the full scope wasn't truly taken in. When he told me how gratifying it was to hold space for a coworker going through some shit, the opening for the question I posed was created. I really wanted him to think about it, so I asked him to write an open letter to my new clients.

I like to think we are all carrying metaphorical flashlights. As we move forward in our lives into the darkness of the unknown, this flashlight works to only illuminate a limited, diffuse area before us. We cannot see much of what is coming. What we think is coming is our own delusion. We can only light the immediate steps ahead. That said, our flashlights when we turn back to see the path we walked can light up where we have already been for miles. We can light the path for others coming behind us, walking across the same ground, only being able to see a little bit ahead. We can use our light to help them make it over rocky ground safely. When they get close enough, we can hold hands and walk in the dark together. When I asked this question to him, I wanted him to see how much light his flashlight now generates.

What I got back from him actually floored me. I had to sit with it. I cried. I felt even a little embarrassed thinking it put wayyy too much faith in me. I am uncomfortable with praise. Decades of disappointment born of offering love and being given cruelty, or worse, apathy in return made an island of me. I never stopped loving people, never got bitter, but I did stop trusting kind and loving words of affirmation because they always got taken back. I learned to only trust myself, bolster myself, love myself. Recently, I am letting down my guard and learning to receive praise. It's a headfuck for sure. The affirmations come and wash over me and my whole being drinks them up like I am parched. Within seconds, I want more. Like a plant whose dirt is so desiccated it can't hold water, it passes through me. I can't hold it, it seems. Ever fearful of asking too much, being too much, saying too much, forming the words, "I love that and I want more" stick in my throat. When I say them, they come out a little ragged and I flush with shame at feeling needy. I both crave it and fear it going away. It is human nature to want to hold onto moments in time, to build a mental structure of security and safety. It is hard to know that everything is temporary, everything passes. I am trying to lean into the enjoyment of the moments and not feel abandoned when it is over, but grateful I had it at all. Learning how to let go of grasping attachments will always be part of my personal work. When handed a delicate flower of praise, I must hold it softly, knowing it will wither and fall away and make room for a new blossom to be given to me. I mustn't crush it and destroy the beauty before it's time. A few weeks ago I would not have understood my client so thoroughly. As Joni Mitchell sings, I see both sides now.

Here is what my client wrote for me...

-I used to hate myself full time-

I'm not used to writing things out or sharing these kinds of things, so forgive me if I end up repeating myself or it seems a bit disjointed. But Kama has encouraged me to share my journey with you all in the hopes that it may help someone else struggling as I had.

All opinions and philosophies expressed herein are my own and do not necessarily represent the views of Kama.

ANYWAYS...

I've been working with Kama since 2023 and she has been instrumental in my emotional healing. I was struggling with depression, anxiety, and intense self loathing.

If not for Kama, I would still be mentally whipping myself for the heinous crime of -existing- until my metaphorical arm got tired and I would go emotionally numb. A sad form of respite. I felt subhuman. I hated myself so much. I prayed that I wouldn't wake up every God damned day.

Change began to take place when I realized I was sandwiched between two dichotomies. I hated myself intensely and yet Kama always showed compassion towards me. It didn't make sense to me. How could someone, so amazing and kind like me? What does she see in me? And I couldn't write it off as her being disingenuous either. As a lifelong pessimist, I have developed a strong bullshit detector and I just knew she was the real deal ever since I first found her page. I could feel it in the text laid out before me.

So I began a long battle with my own psyche. The "other me". That voice that told me I deserved every bad thing that ever happened to me and that I deserved worse. Kama didn't feel that way. She never told me those things. Quite the opposite, in fact. It was like an unstoppable force colliding with an immovable object. I couldn't deny Kama's sincerity and yet I felt like I had every reason to hate myself.

This caused period of inner turmoil as I tried to see myself the way Kama saw me. She's right about so many other things, why not this too? Every time I would be assaulting myself mentally with sharp blows dealt to all of my deepest insecurities, I would say to myself "Kama wouldn't say that" "She would hate to hear me doing this". Kama was my lighthouse in a storm that would guide me safely to shore. And just like that, I would pull myself out of the spiral.

I tried many things to quell my vicious self hating thoughts. I'd question them, demand that they give reasons for their assertions. This worked at first because the hate didn't have a logical reason. The effectiveness of this approach would wane eventually. I tried shouting it down. Literally screaming at it in my head when it spoke up. This too, would work before losing out in the long run. Being attacked at all hours of the day and having to defend yourself or let it get tired of beating you before leaving you numb takes it's toll on you. Oddly enough, accepting this voice as a part of me that meant to protect me was what made this cycle end. Let me explain. I'd come to see that it was a defense mechanism that was created to prevent myself from reaching out. For fear of rejection. For fear of being hurt. It was like a suit of armor that grew too heavy to move in. It became a prison. It reminds me of one of those stories where an A.I. is tasked with protecting the human race and ends up doing it in a way that works, but is horrific for the people while not -technically- harming them. Letting it inadvertently hurt me was not an option anymore and hurting -it- via lashing out was just another form of self violence. You cannot be okay and at war with yourself.

I know all of that seems like it was a quick fix wrapped up in a pretty bow because you just read it in a few seconds, but it took a few -years- to get there, not to mention all the tears. Maybe it won't have to take you so long, having read my story?

I'm going to add some bullet points here that I hope are helpful for people struggling with similar issues.

x. Learn to take people's words at face value. THIS IS IMPERATIVE. I'll bet you've been told a kind word before and rolled your eyes while thinking "yeah right, you're full of shit". And the problem is that you are allowing that voice in your head to twist the meaning or add additional context where there is none. Think about the last time you told someone you care about something genuinely nice or comforted them. We're you lying "just to make them feel better"? Probably not!

x. Place your trust Kama. Do what she says. I know it's scary, but for God's sake, I'm out of a decades long depression and I've grown so much since I've met her! It worked out for me and -can- work out for you too.

x. -You- will do the hard work. Only -you- can. Understand this. Kama cannot make the changes for you, cannot have the epiphany for you. She can push you all day long but that's all she -can- do and it won't do you any good if you refuse to put skin in the game and get your hands dirty. If you want change, you will have to -fight- for it yourself. You gotta -want- it.

x. You are not an unlovable piece of subhuman garbage. You are -already- deserving of love and happiness. You might not see that now, but you -will-.

If reading that pissed you off just now or you don't believe me, -first- I want you to wipe that incredulous look off your face -then- I want you to go back and re-read the first bullet point again. I've got nothing to gain by lying to you, I don't even -know- you, and I don't -need- to for it to be true.

-I genuinely hope something in this public journal entry clicked for you and helps you on your own journey-