Fostering Sexual Independence, Thoughts on Attachment

I hear it all the time. “I just need to get laid”. Whatever the reason, usually stress, boredom or some other aspect of malcontent, the end result comes down to a desire to find a body to insert into, or slide onto and thrust your cares away. I certainly understand the mechanics of that need. There is a compulsion to fulfill a biological imperative that manifests as lust and a somatic pressure to let go of worldly concerns and return to primal instinct, if only to flush the mind of discomfort for a little while. When I hear people say, “I just want to get laid”, I think about the words of the Buddha, “the root of suffering is attachment”. The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali speak of, aparigraha, the desired state of non-attachment. Aparigraha speaks to our feelings of needing to hold onto something, as if a possession or state of being will stabilize us is some way and ultimately bring us happiness. In truth, such grasping attachments bring us the opposite, a perpetual state of suffering. The pursuit of sexual pleasure driven by the primal and instinctual lust we all possess is in fact a massive source of unhappiness. Unfulfilled sexual desire often leads to depression, anger, loathing of oneself, hatred of others. Many people feel awful almost immediately after an orgasm occurs. Shame, regret, self-loathing, feelings of doubt or not being good enough abound.

Freedom from this perpetual rollercoaster of endless need is sought by many. While the yogic ascetics recommend a life of celibacy, this is not a practical, or desirable, path for the vast majority of people. Most people assume that a relationship will be the thing that ends all of their yearning for love and once they have that, as well as a steady sex life, they will never be unhappy again. Of course, when the New Relationship Energy fades, they find this not to be true. For many years I have helped people find and navigate sexual relationships. I have smoothed over challenges, bolstered confidence, and imparted knowledge of techniques. One of the most important aspects of my work is tempering expectations and showing people what is real and attainable, as opposed to what is wanted or is a figment of pornosexual imagination.

The landscape of the American way of life is experiencing one hell of a shift. A confluence of political agitation, the introduction of AI and a changing culture have made dating and finding a romantic relationship incredibly challenging. App based interactions, once scorned, have in the last fifteen years transitioned to being the norm. An algorithm, designed to keep men paying for as long as they can, now determines who a person is interacting with. Dating was supplanted by Netflix and chill, which then gave way to hookups on Tinder. Much like all the other areas of our lives, the technology that was supposed to help us is instead doing great harm.

The statistics now are staggering. According to Pew Research 63% of men under 30 are single and most aren’t looking. A Morgan Stanley study asserts that by 2030, 45% of women ages 25-44 will be single and primarily focused on their career. Suffice to say, a lot less sex is going to be happening. The changes are going to be seismic and will affect generations to come. Where does the desire for sex fit into all of this?

Lust and desire will be going nowhere, of course, but what does one do with it in world where far fewer people are seeking and getting into relationships? It stands to reason there is going to be a whole lot of self-pleasure going on!

As the culture makes these changes, I think it is important to examine the mental and emotional state behind, “I need to get laid”. If you are feeling this yourself, examine what is behind that desire. Sometimes, a person is genuinely aroused, wanting true intimacy and a shared bond through giving and receiving pleasure. It is important to recognize that that idea in itself is rooted in attachment to the idea that the  most important love and apex sexual experience is one that incorporates another person. Sometimes the desire for sex is  about wanting validation, to feel less lonely or to be seen, appreciated, ultimately loved and accepted.

So often people feel they need to have sex or increase their frequency of masturbation when they are coping with something, or even just bored. I always ask my clients, “What has you so aroused today?”. The number one answer is stress, followed by boredom, and in third place is, “I dunno, just horny”. Not many people are taking the time to examine the root of this desire. In a changing world where there will be far less opportunity to have sex, frustration is going to be far more common than satisfaction. We see this well highlighted in the incel community. In those circles, anger and hatred towards women is rampant and leads to some truly dangerous behavior.

I was fascinated by reading Daniel Kolitz’s article, “The Goon Squad”. If you haven’t, I highly recommend it. Enter the volcel, the voluntary celibate who prefers porn to people. Even for me it was a lot to take in. The people saturated by this world make up about thirty percent of my client base. The reasons people are turning to this lifestyle are legion, but a commonality exists in the rejection of dating culture and intimate relationships, preferring instead to be self-proclaimed pornosexuals. I don’t ever seek to yuck anyone’s yums, but I do know that many gooners come to me after they are exhausted by the dopamine burnout of heavy consumption of porn and hours long daily masturbation sessions. They come seeking balance and advice on how to reconnect to their authentic desires and sexuality. The behavior is, in many cases, a coping mechanism, seeking some pleasure in a timeline that is incredibly fraught with tension. When your sexual energy rises and you feel yourself wanting release, take a moment of self reflection and see where the root of the desire lies. If you find yourself unhappy with the amount of sex you are having, ask yourself what need is it serving, and see if there is a place where you can fulfill for yourself what  you think sex will solve.

As I seek to help those who desire partnered sex or an increase of it within an existing relationship, I try to reinforce one thing. Sexual gratification is nobody’s responsibility but your own, and a partner doesn’t owe you sexual pleasure. Intimacy is built upon a meeting of mutual desire, and if a libido mismatch exists, then room for self-pleasure must be made and accepted. I know a lot of people are made uncomfortable by a partner’s masturbation or porn usage, and policing becomes normalized as does controlling behavior under the guise of, “my boundary is that you don’t use porn or jerk off to anyone else”. None of this is healthy, and all is based on attachment to the idea that any and all sexual pleasure must be for or inspired by one person.

It is my passion to help people fall in love with themselves, and to make self-pleasure a part of it. When we love ourselves, the tendency is to only accept good treatment by others. Our “need” for others becomes less of a cause for suffering and unfulfilled desire. I examine my own attachment’s daily. It is okay to have them, but necessary also to cultivate the awareness of their root cause. The attachment to the pursuit of love and sex causes a great deal of suffering, and alleviation is in the understanding.  I strive daily to help people remove the obstacles to sexual joy to with self-love being the foundation. In the wise words of Rumi, “your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”